Nightpaw's Guide to Being Epic!
NOTE: I did not steal this from Foxpaw's guide to being reasonably insane!! I just thought it was really funny and wanted to make one! 1: Direct A Movie Burnpaw: *eats fresh kill* Nightpaw: CUT!!!! CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT!!!!!! Burnpaw: What? Nightpaw: Burnpaw, you need to show some emotion! WORK WITH ME HERE!! Nightpaw: Okay. Scene 1, take 2. ACTION!! Burnpaw: *eats fresh kill with a constipated expression* Nightpaw: CUT!! CUT!!!! *stomps over to Burnpaw* What are you DOING??!!! Burnpaw: Bu- Nightpaw: NO!! GET OUTTA HERE!! SECURITY!!!! 2: Tell your mentor he/she is fired Nightpaw: *does hunting crouch* Am I doing it right? Ashclaw: Well, you ne- Nightpaw: YOU KNOW WHAT, PUNK??? YOU'RE FIRED!!!! Ashclaw: ? 3: Call everybody Steve Nightpaw: *walks up to Autumnpaw* Hey, Steve! Autumnpaw: My name's not Steve... Nightpaw: Come on, Steve! Quit playin' around! Autumnpaw: Umm.... Nightpaw: *walks up to Scorchstar* Steve, can I go on a patrol? Scorchstar: What? Nightpaw: *rolls eyes* Steve, that isn't funny! You heard me perfectly well! Scorchstar: Uh Nightpaw: *sigh* This Clan is full of wackos! 4: Interrogate the deputy Nightpaw: *hold flashlight up to Sootbreeze's face* WHERE WERE YOU ON JULY 56, 1989??? Sootbreeze: *sweats* GREAT STARCLAN, THEY'VE FOUND ME! AH!!! *runs away* Nightpaw: *shakes head knowingly* I always knew there was something fishy about her.... 5: Pretend to be the creepy host guy from Sweet Genius (WATCH IT. ITS ON FOOD NETWORK.) Nightpaw: *slams paw onto ball of moss* AND YOUR SVECRET INGREDIENT IIIIIIS.... SPEENACH. Autumnpaw: ? Nightpaw: YOUR INSVIRATION IIIIIIS.... HOT AIR BA-LLOON. Autumnpaw: Lightblaze! I think Nightpaw needs some more poppy seeds. Nightpaw: GOOD VLUCK! 6: Write love poems about your mentor (especially if they are the same gender) Nightpaw: *clears throat* Ashclaw: What, Nightpaw? Nightpaw: *pulls out piece of paper* I-I wrote this for you, Ashclaw.... Ashclaw: Oh StarClan... Nighpaw: Ahem... Roses are red, Ashclaw is not red, But her heart is red. Mine is too, We are meant for each other, I love you so much, I will share my prey with you. Ashclaw: X.X Nightpaw: *blushes* Di-did you like it??? Ashclaw: I HAVE A MATE!!!!!!!! 7: Sing along to our iPod REALLY loud at Clan meetings Scorchstar: Today we are gathered here to- Nightpaw: SO I PUT MY HANDS UP, THEY'RE PLAYIN MY SONG Scorchstar: announce a new- Nightpaw: THE BUTTERFLIES FLIE AWAY, NODDIN MY HEAD LIKE YEAH Scourchstar: apprentice. His name Nightpaw: MOVIN MY HIPS LIKE YEAH, SO I PUT MY HANDS UP Scorchstar: is Hazelkit and- Nightpaw: THEY'RE PLAYIN MY SONG, I KNOW I'M GONNA BE OKAY Scorchstar: his mother is Blazeheart- Nightpaw: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH, IT'S A PARTY IN THE USA!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEAH, IT'S A PARTY IN THE USA! Cinderfur: *eye twitch* 8: When your leader announces new warriors at the Gathering, cheer really loud Scorchstar: And FireClan would like to introduce a new warrior... Bluefire! FireClan, SoilClan, and BirdClan: *cheer politely* Nightpaw: WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!! GO BLUEFIRE! GO BLUEFIRE! IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY! IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY! GO BLUEFIRE! GO BLUEFIRE! WHOOOOO HOOOO!!! All Clans: *stare* Nightpaw: GO BLUEFIRE! GO BL- okay, I'll stop now. 9: Christmas carol.... in July Nightpaw: *walks up to warriors den in a scarf and coat, carrying a book* DECK THE HALLS WITH BOWS OF HOLLY, FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA Cinderfur: *groan* It's the middle of July!!!! Nightpaw: TIS THE SEASON TO BE- sorry, what was that? Cinderfur: *facepaw* Nightpaw: *shrug* JOLLY, FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPARELL, FA LA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA *stops* I'm... kinda... hot..... *passes out from heat stroke* 10: Pretend to be Jayfeather Nightpaw: *grabs a random stick from the middle of the camp* OH STICKY, I'M SO GLAD I FOUND YOU!!! I LOVE YOU!!! *kissy noises* Rest of FireClan: *groan* Nightpaw: I'll go visit Rock now. OH, ROOOOOCK!!! Autumnpaw: Nightpaw, are you- Nightpaw: OH SHUT UP, LIONBLAZE! I WANNA FINISH MOPING ABOUT BEING HALF WINDCLAN!! BOOHOOHOO!!! Autumnpaw: ....... Burnpaw: *whispers in his ear* What's WindClan? 11: Become a reporter Nightpaw: This is Nightpaw, from NBC nightly news. I'm on the scene with..... HAZELPAW. Hazelpaw: Do what now? Nightpaw: *sticks mic in his face* Hazelpaw, can you decribe how you felt when Darksoot broke up with you? Hazelpaw: WHAT???!!!!! Nightpaw: Come on! Don't be shy! Hazelpaw: DARKSOOT IS AN ELDER!!!!! Nightpaw: Ah, forbidden love. (Tune in, Multistar! XD) More on the case at 10! Back to you, Chris! 12: Sneeze on the elders (DON'T JUDGE ME. D:) Nightpaw: *finds Deadtail's tick* Hey, Deadtail, I- AH.... AH.... AHHHH.... CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Deadtail: Don't sneeze on me, you whipper snapper! When I was a young un- Nightpaw: AH-CHOO!!! ACHOOACHOOACHOOACHOO!!!! Deadtail: *scowls* *wipes snot off of his fur* Go sneeze on Twistedfoot! Nightpaw: Sur-CHOO!! ACHOO!! ACHOOACHOOACHOOACHOO!!!! 13: Steal a laptop (Learned this from Cam Newton! >:D) Scorchstar: *opens laptop* *opens email* Dear.... Talon....heart. I.... love... you. Love...... Scorch.....star. THERE! Nightpaw: PUT YOUR PAWS IN THE AIR! Scorchstar: *puts paws up* Nightpaw: *grabs laptop and runs away to the apprentices den, which is empty* Nightpaw: Lets see what Scorchstar has been emailing Talonheart about... >:D (Nightpaw opens an email) From: superhotscorchstar@warriors.com To: talonheartofbirdclan@warriors.com Subject: I luvve yu '' ''deer talunhart i luvve yu so much i luv yu owr dotter nitepaw is dooeeng good but i luv yu mor tell berdstar i sed hi tell eegultaluns too luv scorechstar Nightpaw: .......... Burnpaw: *walks in* Hey, Nightpaw! Wait, what are you- Nightpaw: I'M HALF CLAN????!!!! I'M GONNA KILL SCORCHSTAR!!!!!! *runs out foaming and swinging at the leader den with a chainsaw* 14: Pretend to be Roger Federer (anybody got an umbrella? LOL) Nightpaw: *swings tennis racket* Hazelpaw: *gets hit in the face with a tennis racket* OW! WHO DID THAT? Nightpaw: Oh, you're going DOWN, Djokovic!!!!!!!! *swings tennis racket and hits Autumnpaw* Autumnpaw: *low voice* Nightpaw, you're embarrassing me! Nightpaw: ACE!!!!!!!!!!!! 15: Yell at the other Clan's leader at Gatherings Sunsetstar: SoilClan is do- Nightpaw: OH, SHUT UP!!!!! NOBODY CARES, SUNSET-FACE!!!! Sunsetstar: *glare* I SAID, SoilClan is doing well- Nightpaw: OPPRESSION!!!!!! OPPRESSION!!!!!!! CIVIL WAR!!!!! CIVIL WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! Burnpaw: *shrugs* CIVIL WAR!!! CIVIL WAR!!!!!!!!! Nightpaw: *suspicious* I thought you hated me? Burnpaw: *shifty eyes* Uh...... Nightpaw: Oh well. CIVIL WAR!!!!!! CIVIL WAR!!!!!!!! Apprentices: CIVIL WAR!!!!!! CIVIL WAR!!!!!!!!!!!! Sunsetstar: Oh StarClan..... 16: Pretend to be Ashfur Hazelpaw: Hey, Nightpaw? Nightpaw: *hiss* I'm not TALKING to you, SQUIRRELFLIGHT! Hazelpaw: Who's Squirrelflight? Nightpaw: Don't play dumb! Ever since you saw PEEEEEEEEEERFECT Brambleclaw, it's been all about YOU! YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *foams* Hazelpaw: ? 17: Bring your Nintendo DS to training assesments Ashclaw: Okay, Nightpaw, show me a hunting crouch. Nightpaw: *pounds on Nintendo with stylus* TEPIG, GO!!! Ashclaw: *growl* Nightpaw, put that away! Nightpaw: *sad eyes* BUT... BUT... BUT I JUST GOT TEPIG TO EVOLVE!!!!!! Autumnpaw: YOU HAVE AN EVOLVED TEPIG!!!!!??????!!!!!!!!????? Nightpaw: You gotta do this stuff to defeat Team Plasma. Autumnpaw: OMSC I'VE GOT OSHAWOTT!!!!!!!!!! Nightpaw: Oshawwott SUCKS. Tepig (or Pignite) is AWESOMESAUCE! Autumnpaw: OH YA????!!!! I challenge you to a...... TRAINER BATTLE!!!! Nightpaw: *picks up ball of moss* PIGNITE, GO!! Autumnpaw: *picks up dead squirrel* OSHAWOTT, GO!!!! Ashclaw and Grayheart (Autumnpaw's mentor): *facepaw* 18: Steal things from Twolegs Nightpaw: *walks into camp with bra on her head* Hey, look what I found out hunting! Lightblaze: OMSC, WHAT IS THAT????? Scorchstar: IT'S PROBABLY A TWOLEG CONTRAPTION TO FIND OUT WHERE WE ALL ARE AND THEN TO TAKE US AWAY AND MAKE US MUTANT NINJA WIZARD KITTYPETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FireClan except for Scorchstar: ????? Scorchstar: *falls to knees(if cats have knees..lol)* STARCLAN, WHY ARE YOU SO CRUEL??? Everyone reading this: This is messed up. Author: I intended it to be! Nightpaw: BACK TO THE SPOOF! 19: Sing opera >:3 Nightpaw: MI PIACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Autumnpaw: Huh? Nightpaw: DOLCE CHE E COSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Autumnpaw: Are you speaking in Twoleg? Nightpaw: BELLA, MI PIACE, ANCHE Autumnpaw: Urrrrr....... Nightpaw: CIALDE Autumnpaw: I'm not even going to bother.... *walks away* Nightpaw: II GIALLO E UN BEL COLORE! (BTW, she was singing "I like dessert. It's so fine. Yellow is a nice color." xD) ' 20. Stalk your mentor Ashclaw: *grooms self* Nightpaw: *looks at Ashclaw* *scribbles something in notebook* *giggles and picks back up binoculars* Ashclaw: *hears giggles from bushes* Who's there?! Nightpaw: *pokes head over bushes* *has creepy smile* HEYYYYYYYY Ashclaw: *horror movie scream* AHH!! NIGHTPAW!!!! Nightpaw: *slowly goes back down below bush* Ashclaw: I'm so moving to BirdClan. '(The picture is Nightpaw's creepy face x3) 21. Do math Nightpaw: *is looking at math book* Scorchstar, what's 77 + 645 x 75483 + 45%? Scorchstar: Uh.. 42! Nightpaw: Okay! Lemme check that. *pulls out calculator* Scorchstar: I'm so right! Nightpaw: .... the answer is 70595552.75. Scorchstar: I knew it! I WAS right! 22. Read The Snake That Rattles Nightpaw: *staring at computer screen* Autumnpaw: *groggily* Nightpaw, it's 2:00 in the morning...go to sleep.... Nightpaw: SHADDUP! I'm reading! At approximately 2:30 AM... Nightpaw: *whispering* Kill him, Snakerattle... kill him... Burnpaw: *jumps awake* WHA-? KILL WHO?!?! Nightpaw: *ignores* Lol, fail, but seriously. READ LE STORY RIGHT NOW. ROBO WROTE IT AMAZINGLY <3 23. Listen to Moments by One Direction Nightpaw: *humming along to iPod* Hazelpaw: What are you doing? Nightpaw: YOU KNOW I'LL BE, YOUR LIFE, YOUR VOICE, YOUR REASON TO BE, MY LOVE, MY HEART, IS BREATHING FOR THISSSSSS Hazelpaw: One Direction? Nightpaw: MOMENT IN TIME, I'LL FIND THE WORDS TO SAYYYYYY... BEFORE YOU LEAVE ME TODAYYY Hazelpaw: ...yup. That's One Direction. Nightpaw: *starts sobbing* THEY'RE...SO...BEAUTIFUL!!!! *sobs harder* I LOVE YOU ONE DIRECTION!!!!!!!!! *kisses iPod* Hazelpaw: ....... Nightpaw: *is still sobbing* Hazelpaw: You should stop listening to that stuff. It's making you emo. Nightpaw: *slowly turns head towards Hazelpaw with really scary expression* *awkward silence* DIRECTIONATERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *mauls Hazelpaw* Lol. I'm a Directioner. So don't hate, please. *ahem* Ninja. JK I wuv you ;] 24. Keep listening to Moments Nightpaw: DON'T WANNA BE WITHOUT YOU, MY JUDGMENT'S CLOUDED, LIKE TONIGHT'S SKY. UNDER SILENCE, VOICES NUMB, TRY TO SCREAM OUT MY LUNGS, IT MAKES THIS HARDERRRRR... AND THE TEARS STREAM DOWN MY FACE.. IF WE COULD ONLY HAVE THIS LIFE FOR ON MORE DAY... IF WE COULD ONLY TURN BACK TIME..... YOU KNOW I'LL BE YOUR LIFE, YOUR VOICE, YOUR REASON TO BE....... MY LOVE, MY HEART IS BREATHING FOR THISSSSSSSSSSS.... MOMENT IN TIME , ILL FIND THE WORDS TO SAAAAAAAY.. BEFORE YOU LEAVE ME TODAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sobs* Category:Fan Fictions